I have very recently purchased the Microsoft Surface. It hasn't been love at first sight...but the more I play and poke, the more I'm feeling like I'm starting to fall. And I haven't been here in a long time, and I haven't thought a thought worth thinking in probably longer. I came here hoping that something might be different if I tried. Wondering if my lack of inspiration was due to a lack of trying, a lack of effort. I can't keep whining about having nothing to say.
I will start with the truth. I think my relationship is doomed to fail.
We started with sex, because I always start with sex.
And blah blah blah rush rush rush....here we are 6 months later... after living together, we're settled into a long distance relationship in which the only thing we have to say to one another is I love you, I miss you... except I'm not sure how that happens when we have nothing in common besides mutual magic orgasms.
Is that important? More importantly, is that necessary? It certainly helps I'm sure.
He makes me feel...everything, from shittiest shit to disturbingly too too heavenly adored... without saying a word.
Nothing about that sounds healthy.
When I think about it, of course, I'm the one making myself feel shitty by constantly reassessing and over analyzing whatever happens between us, wondering am I enough, how can I be better and that obviously all comes down to not loving and accepting myself or some such nonsense, which circles around to how completely obsessed with me I know I am!
What am I worried about, that he doesn't agree?!
Surely the whole English as a second language thing isn't working in our favor.
Lately, I have been considering therapy.
An unbiased intelligent viewpoint.
It'd probably be the most ridiculous waste of money that anyone ever set on fire because I think I'm smarter than everyone... in general and what not.
The problem is not that I am not in love. I don't want to be with anyone else, I don't want to play with anyone else, but I don't understand how that is possible. Which is probably where my fear that he doesn't truly love me grows. If I don't understand my feelings for him, how could I possibly accept that his heart belongs to me.
Also, none of this means anything.
I guess it means a little bit, but its main purpose was to allow me to practice on my teeny new keyboard in the hopes that literary genius would sporadically insanely flare up for the first time in years.
I'm bored with myself, my life, my friends.
I'm torn between disgust and infatuation with who I am and I've explored that theme so close to the brink of delusion and deprecation it makes me nauseous.
I like this keyboard.
I will try to read more things that will make me think.
I will not always listen to the same music I have been obsessed with for the past 5 years.
I will make new friends.
I will put myself before my boyfriend.
I will eat less cookies.
I will start actually working for the things that I want, rather than expect them to happen just because I want them.
6 days until I see my sweetheart.
10 days until I see my Sandra.
Every day, at least 20 times I day, I go on facebook to see if he's written. He never has.
We Skype about once a week. Skyping which consists of roughly 10 minutes dedicated to our devotion and longing, while we fill the rest of the hour with our faces in the tiny side windows so they don't block the more captivating adventures the rest of the whole wide internet has to offer.
I find this arrangement to be extremely upsetting; however, not as upsetting as the fact that this is the way he prefers our relationship.
Somewhere in my mind I'm going and forth between one of us not really being in love with the other. I'm probably right about both. Why does that bother me so much?
Is it because I want to be in love?
Am I too proud to admit that I figured out I'm not in love when I was originally so sure?
Am I lying to myself when I purport that I'm the one who is not in love but really I know that he's the one who doesn't love me and when he finally admits it I'll be crushed?
I'm completely faithless.
Also, I probably need glasses.
- Dixie Cigarette.